Of course I know who Cadel Evans Is

That's a lie. Well, it was. These days, thanks to Google, if you have the ability to convincingly stall for 8-10 seconds (which anyone who has ever held a job or been on a bad date obviously knows how to do) you can pretend you know just about anything. Why, Cadel Lee Evans is an Australian professional racing cyclist for UCI ProTeam BMC Racing Team and winner of the 2011 Tour de France - everyone knows that.

The original flyer about this Colorado cycling trip said this: 

Ride with Lizard Head Cycling Guides while following Levi Leipheimer, George Hincapie, Cadel Evans and many other pro cyclists across the beautiful summer landscape of the Colorado Rockies.

The Quiznos Pro Challenge* is the most demanding bike race ever held on American soil, with racers experiencing breathless altitudes, day after day. The race is on the level of the Tour de France, bringing the high speeds, danger and adrenalin of professional biking to elevations over two-miles high across some of the most picturesque terrain in the world - the Colorado Rocky Mountains" from the Quizno's Pro Challenge Website

Lizard Head Cycling Guide's Pro Challenge is a vehicle-supported Inn-to-Inn bike tour that rides ahead and intersects the Quizno's race on multiple occasions. We have designed a fabulous route that not only follows the best of this inaugural event, but showcases the Rocky Mountains at its finest.

*Quizno's is still backing the event. When NBC Sports decided to air it they changed the name to "brand the event in a way that better communicates the scale of the event and its audience". Google said so.

What I originally read:

Blah blah blah blah beautiful Colorado Rockies blah blah, blah.

I probably should have focused just a bit more on the words: breathless, high speeds, danger and professional biking.

While I now realize that being on the same slab of asphalt as The Pros is a spectacular bonus to the 'beautiful Colorado Rockies' .... there's still the undeniable fact that the only Pro Rider I know (in the non-Googlical sense) is Lance Armstrong, and yes (oh, the shame) that is only because I thought he was a total jerk for leaving his wife and hooking up with Sheryl Crow after she stuck with him throughout his cancer ordeal (if you've never had the unfortunate opportunity to stick by someone during a serious illness take my word that it sucks nearly as much life out of you as it does the actually-ill person - hard to believe, I know - and may you remain in happy disbelief for the rest of your days). For the record, I have since read Lance's books (and several of the unending doping articles) and I don't think he's a total jerk anymore. You can't deny how hard he's worked as an athlete, how he fought and won his cancer battle against all odds, and the incredible things he's done, and continues to do, with his Livestrong Foundation - not to mention that he seems to be generally involved with and good to his kids. The guy has had a net positive impact on the world - what more can you (any of us) ask? I'll avoid the doping controversy for now - that, I do have opinions on (my own even, not just Googled ones) - it'll come up soon enough anyway.

I know, I know -  all you triathlon and cycling people are utterly ashamed of me. In my defense, let me just say it's purely a time thing. For reasons that don't matter, I'm in my house only to eat, sleep and do laundry (almost literally - once in a while I hang around long enough to fold the laundry too). But, wait - it gets worse. The only Tour de France footage I've ever seen is what Sandy Donald (best indoor cycling instructor EVER) plays on the bigscreens during winter cycling classes at the gym. Oh - and I did see the last 5 minutes (literally, well, it might have been more like 37 seconds, I'm rounding up) of this year's race on the CBS World News. There. It's out. If you don't want to be my friend anymore then I understand and wish you the best. If you're actually ok with that and still want to associate with me you'd better sit down because this one might push you over the edge. I do realize what year it is. I understand that the technology exists and is readily available. And that it is reasonably affordable. But  .... gulp .... gosh this is so hard ... (deep breath) ... My Name is Mike ... and I do not have a DVR. I realize none of this excuses my Pro Cycling ignorance, but at least it forms a semi-plausible explanation.

All that said, only a fool would go out to such an epic event without learning SOMETHING about the riders first. My riding buddies (or at least they were my buddies before I admitted my DVRlessness) have graciously agreed (some bribery may have been involved) to brief me on the 3 hour plane ride to Denver. I've been given a recent copy of Velo News which has a lovely pull-out study guide on the Inaugural US Pro Tour (its new name, after NBC got a hold of it). Below, I've gathered everything I know so far. I have a goal (albeit not a S.M.A.R.T one) to be able to identify at least one (1) rider live and in-person. If that fails, I do have a camera and I sorta know how to use it so we can play the Highlights (Fun With a Purpose) Magazine 'Which rider is this colored blur?' game later.


13 Very Important Things I Know about Professional Cyclists:

1. Cadel Lee Evans ProTeam BMC Racing Team and winner of the 2011 Tour de France.
2. The Pros may look like they're 16 but they're really at least 7 or 8 years older than that. Many of them probably even have their (automobile) driver's license. 
3. The Schleck brothers are VERY popular amongst 21yr old women named Amelia.
4. There was some incident with a chain falling off and another someone not stopping to help - I'm still not sure who the bad guy was in that one.
5. Like Pro Golfers "These Guys are Good".
6. I believe it's my duty to admire, to the utmost of my ability, the hours and weeks and years of hard, painstaking, grueling work Pro riders put into sculpting their impeccable cycling physiques.
7. They probably all dope (if they didn't, they'd be back riding with me - trust that I'll promptly report that if it occurs). 
8. George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer are the closest riders to my age. 
9. George will be wearing a BMC shirt. Levi will be wearing a Radio Shack shirt. Both are black and red. This may complicate the Highlights name-that-blur game.
10. Unless they get one of the 5 'special' jerseys: race leader (yellow squares), best sprinter (green stripes), best climber (red polka dots), best youngster (blue diamonds), most aggressive (purple moons, er, orange stripes). 
11. The Italians will be wearing Liquigas jerseys. They are blue, light green and white. They ride Cannondale bikes with SRAM components and Sugoi clothing. They have names like Eros, Damiano, Fabio, Valerio, and Cristiano. 
12. Of the 14 Pro teams: 6 use SRAM components, 7 Shimano, and 1 Campagnolo. Yes, shocking even to myself, I actually care about this.
13. When asked the question "What is it like to go 60mph on 1 inch of rubber?" one Pro's answer included "You have to become, um, kind of a part of the road." Another's answer was "You have to pray that nothing goes wrong." There were more but the better part of reason, along with an overwhelming desire to be able to sleep again without nightmares, told me to stop reading.

If you can add to my bullet-list of knowledge and help me 'convincingly stall' as needed while I'm out there, I beg you, please do.